Still dropping

My 3rd beta today was 12, so it is still dropping. I guess that is good. It's hard to say that because it is not good, it should be rising. But I knew that if it did suddenly rise it didn't mean they were wrong. It would have meant more trouble like an ectopic. They want me to come back on Friday, but I just can't. It's too fucking hard. I'll come on Monday, thank you very much.

I almost lost it at the doctor's when the nurse asked me how I was doing in that "I know you are losing your baby and aren't well, but I have to ask" sort of voice. I managed to squeak out a "fine" and thankfully she didn't say another word. I did promptly turn into a crazy sobbing woman in when I got to my car. So much for small victories. I do find myself measuring how I am doing by how many minutes I can go without crying. I had a pretty good stretch today because I was so busy at work, but the minute I got into my car that was over. And ever since I've been home, I haven't managed to go more than 5 minutes without tears. I don't know how I will ever feel good again. I am just so sad. I am empty.