Me versus....me :(

I feel like I'm losing my damn mind!  Maddie has been sleeping horribly for the past month.  Last week I hit my breaking point after she was up nearly every hour and wanted to nurse almost every time.  Looking back, it was probably a growth spurt, but at the time I was convinced it was a plot to kill me.  So that afternoon, I went out and bought a can of formula.  It pained me, but I realized that I needed help and I couldn't continue to be the one getting up all night with her.  One thing I have learned about my daughter is that she loves to eat.  She doesn't care if it's from the breast or bottle, or now even from a spoon.  So naturally she took her first bottle of formula with no problems.  I, on the other hand, was incredibly upset.  I mean come on, everyone knows if you formula feed when you are perfectly capable of breastfeeding, you must not love you child  ::::insert eye rolling here::::

Even though I know that is ridiculous, I have been programmed by my OB, hospital staff, pediatrician, and even the damn formula can (printed very clearly on the can stating breast milk is best) to think I am not doing the best for my child by giving her poison, I mean formula.  But it was for my sanity!  If I have a nervous breakdown I am no good to my baby.  So I agonized for 4 days.  Finally, in (another) fit of tears, I decided to go back to exclusively breastfeeding.  However, we have an "emergency" bottle of formula ready to make in her nursery for those times in the middle of the night that she needs to eat.  Hopefully, knowing that I have a little help will make things a little better.  I just wish I didn't have to have these battles with myself.  I keep telling myself that I am a good mother, but I don't think it has sunk in yet.