Feeling lost and hopeless

I've been neglecting this blog as I have with just about everything else in my life.  I have tried to convince myself it's because I'm just too damn busy.  That is partly true I guess, but the real reason is because if I were to write, I knew I'd have to write the truth.  And the truth is way too scary right now.  The truth is, I feel lost, hopeless, sad, angry, and scared.  I don't know what to do or where to go for help.  I don't even know how to admit that I need help.  After all, I'm MOM, and everyone knows that MOM can do anything. 

I thought I had just your run of the mill case of the baby blues after Maddie was born.  The crying (really it was more like uncontrollable, runny-nose, hysterical bawling) would not stop.  The baby cried - so did I.  S went to work - I cried.  S came home - I cried.  Bravo stopped showing The West Wing re-runs - I cried.  I think you are starting to get the picture.  After a month or two the crying gave way to anger.  Let me state that I have never been angry at Maddie.  NEVER.  I have gotten frustrated a few times when I couldn't calm her down after hours of crying, but the frustration was directed more at me.  The only time I felt like I was getting frustrated with her, I put her in her crib and walked away for 5 minutes to compose myself.  I believe the frustration is normal for everyone, right?

Ok, back to the anger.  Mostly, I was angry with S.  I mean really angry.  At first I thought it was because he wasn't helping enough. He would come home, give the baby a kiss, and go upstairs to his office.  Or he would hold her just long enough to calm her down and then would just put her in her swing or bouncy chair.  He never heard her at 5 a.m. when she needed to be changed or just rocked back to sleep.  Sure he was going above and beyond when it came to helping around the house, but I wanted him to spend more time with the baby.  I hated being away from her for even a minute, and I couldn't understand how he could be away all day at work and be content to hold her for 5 minutes when he came home.  It made me mad.  So mad I thought about leaving him and taking Maddie with me and never letting him see her.  Irrationally mad.

I finally opened up to him about my feelings (thank you 3 glasses of Cabernet).  He didn't realize that he seemed neglectful of Maddie, and he changed immediately.  I felt great for about a week.  Then the anger returned.  I was angry because he didn't hear me the first time I said something.  I was angry at him because we had to spend time with his family (who I love).  I was angry at him because it didn't snow this weekend and we couldn't get out of previous commitment.

That is another part of the problem...I hate leaving the house.  I never want to to do anything.  I've always been a bit of a homebody, but I really hate going anywhere now.  Maddie tends to cry when we are at other people's houses.  I think it's usually because she gets overstimulated and tired.  But she cries and they won't let me take her to calm her down.  And I get very stressed.  And angry.  So I'd rather just stay home.  When I do leave without Maddie I am afraid I am going to die, and worry about what will happen to her.  Sometimes this fear is almost paralyzing.  I have driven to work in tears. 

I also don't want to do things I used to love.  The biggest example (and the one that I think has caused some others to worry about me) is Christmas.  I love Christmas!  I love decorating for Christmas!  I have an entire basement of boxes full of decorations.  I have enough snowmen to form a small army.  I am jealous of the Griswold house.  This year, I didn't want to hang one stocking or string of lights.  I was angry that I had to do it.  I also usually bake at least 10 different varieties of homemade cookies.  This year (at the last minute on Christmas Eve), I ended up making 2 kinds from the pre-made rolls of cookie dough you get at the grocery store.

I always thought postpartum depression was when you had thoughts of hurting your baby.  I definitely do not have that...in fact, the only thing that makes me happy is being with Maddie.  But I'm starting to realize that all of the feelings of anger, sadness, and anxiety are not normal.  I don't know if it's technically ppd, but something is wrong with me and I don't know what to do.